Let’s Talk about Names: Patricia

Patricia Valoy is a Civil Engineer and radio host working and living in New York City. She has recently started to blog in order to speak about feminist issues from the perspective of a Latina. You can read more of her writings at patriciavaloy.blogspot.com or follow her twitter rants at @besito86.

My Name is My Cultural Identity

Patricia is on a boat in a river. She is looking directly at camera and smiling. She's wearing a short sleeve blue dress and her dark, long hair is down and over her shoulders, coming down the front of her body.
Patricia Valoy. Image used with permission of the author.

Since I got engaged the question I get asked the most after “when is the wedding?” is “will you change your last name?” I know this is a question most women get when they announce an engagement, and it doesn’t bother me much. I do however feel that the conversation is very Anglo-centric. I am a Latina woman marrying an Arab man, and in both our cultures women do not change their names when they get married.

When I read Jill Filipovic’s “Why should married women change their names? Let men change theirs,” I immediately felt that she was not talking to women like me. As much I embrace feminism and support dialogue that expands cultures, traditions, and races, once again some women were left out of the conversation. Had Jill Filipovic asked me what I think about a woman changing her last name upon marriage, she would have learned that as a fellow feminist, I have a completely different mindset on what a name means.

I was born in the the Dominican Republic, and like most countries in Latin America except for Argentina, women do not drop their last names when they get married. If they want to, they can add the proprietary “de” after their last name, but that is only used in informal settings or if the husband is very well known. Women never legally change their birth name, and it is considered offensive to her family for a woman to change her name.

Our last names represent our heritage and our lineage. We take pride in our family names and passing down our mother’s last name is as important as our father’s. Latin American marriages are about two families uniting and great emphasis is put in ensuring that those two families are equally represented. The fact that I no longer use my maternal last name upsets my maternal grandparents, but they see it as a consequence of living in the United States.

In the United States my sisters and I are known only by our father’s last name. Similarly, my mother dropped her birth name and now goes only by her husband’s name. When I questioned my mother on why she dropped her last name she simply said that she had no idea she could keep it. She, like many other families immigrating to the United States assumed that the only way of assimilating is by adopting American traditions. Until a conversation I had with my mother last week, she thought that it was legally required for women to change their last name to their husbands’.

Latinos live on the crossroads of two different cultures. In our adopted country we want to keep our traditions alive but the need to assimilate is oftentimes much greater.

To answer everyone’s question on whether or not I will change my last name when I get married, the simple answer is no. My name was already changed when I moved to the United States, and while I have no sentimental attachment it, it is the name I first learned how to write in kindergarten, the name I used through my adolescence when I won spelling bees and perfect attendance awards, and the name I used to introduce myself to my future husband.

I’ve grown to see my name as an extension of my identity.

Palm trees line a paved walkway along a beach. You can see the water and breaking waves to the left and cars parked along the right side. The sky is clear and blue.
El Malecón in Santo Domingo. Image used with permission of author.

Furthermore, I am in a multicultural relationship. Our cultures are so different when it comes to marriage and naming children that in order to make any sense of it we would have to make our own rules. In Latino culture we use both parents’ name; in Arab cultures the given name is followed by the father’s first name. Mixing cultures when we’re already living outside our home countries is a recipe for disaster if you try to please everyone. So, instead of worrying about what others think we’ll play by our own rules.

Not all women feel the same way about their last names. Some do not want to be associated with their families, others simply enjoy the idea of a new identity, and others feel pressured by their society. The truth is that changing names should be a personal decision, but oftentimes societal pressures can become burdensome. In a society where women feel pressured to “have it all” we need to understand that letting one thing go does not make us less of a feminist.

A quick note about images in this series: each essay will include an image of a place that holds personal meaning for the author.

This post is part of an on-going roundtable on naming that Flyover Feminism is doing in conjunction with Are Women Human?

Let’s Talk About Names: Hafidha is the previous post in the series.

Let’s Talk About Names: Ali, hooks, Lee Boggs is the next post in the series.

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10 Responses to “Let’s Talk about Names: Patricia”

  1. Grace

    Thanks so much for this great piece, Patricia! As an immigrant myself I can definitely relate to your points about immigrant and name loss/changes…it’s one of the omissions from the usual conversation about naming changing that I find really frustrating. And I love this line: “In a society where women feel pressured to ‘have it all’ we need to understand that letting one thing go does not make us less of a feminist.”

    • Patricia Valoy

      Different cultures have vastly different naming conventions, yet we all modify them when moving to the US. That is an integral part of why so many of us either do not care (what’s one more change?) or are incredibly opposed to changing names again since we’ve already had to adjust once before.

  2. Vanessa

    Patricia, this is the best article I’ve seen about changing your name! I’ve never really thought about cultural expectations before. And I love that you’re making up your own rules.

  3. Roberto Alsina

    Women in Argentina don’t drop their last names, either. They just add (optionally) the “de” with the husband’s last name.

  4. Lindsay

    I felt myself tear up at this line:
    “it is the name I first learned how to write in kindergarten, the name I used through my adolescence when I won spelling bees and perfect attendance awards, and the name I used to introduce myself to my future husband.”
    Thank you for writing.


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