by MaryAnn Martin
Martin lives in North Texas with her husband and two children. When she’s not taking care of her kids and otherwise holding down the fort, she uses her Ph.D. in mass communication as a lecturer for South Dakota State University’s online journalism graduate program. When the planets align and she’s able to concentrate long enough, she writes the evermore erstwhile post for her blog, the Feminist Mother, on motherhood, life as a parent of a special needs child, politics, the labor movement, immigrant’s rights, and, most importantly, women’s rights. She’s also active on twitter as @soonerhawkeye.
I am STILL fuming on the anti-mother, anti-child vibe emanating from a number of (childless) mainstream, highly visible “feminists.” For instance, after Michelle Obama referred to herself as “Mom-in-Chief” in a stunning address to the Democratic National Convention, writer Amanda Marcotte tweeted this in response (see my heated response below):
Makes me sick with anger. Earlier that week, Jessica Valenti (a mother, unlike Marcotte) garnered a plethora of publicity as her book, “Why Have Children?” dropped. I felt the need to respond via twitter to her, too. And no, I have no plans of reading her book. Then, this morning, Irin Carmon posted this piece about the First Lady’s speech. Another feminist wringing her hands about a public figure centering her role as a mother. Oh, the humanity!
I truly don’t get it. Valenti, for example, decries the nitpicking amongst women on our differing parenting choices (even as she herself cherry-picks what style of parenting and what parents are objectionable). In her mind, these squabbles and the accompanying”finger-wagging” (even as she does it herself) distract women from the real, meaty policy battles, like winning subsidized chid care.
Yeah. We need that in this country. We need better maternity and paternity leave policies, too. Yes, to all that. Yes, yes, yes.
But you know what we also need? Laws that protect breastfeeding mothers so if we don’t want to or have the capacity to shell out the big bucks for synthetic chemicals to feed our child and we can nurse, we’re not arrested or fired for demanding the right to pump in a quiet, clean place or nurse our child in public (the Affordable Care Act went a long way in that direction). We need the freedom to choose VBACs instead of mandatory c-sections, which is next to impossible in some places. We need the right to choose where we labor and deliver our children if we don’t want to do it in a hospital setting.
These rights are connected to women’s rights, in general. They cannot be isolated from each other. They are part and parcel of the structural framework of patriarchy that works to oppress women simply for being women and for which no child is responsible. In other words, we really are in this together. And your position as childless, single, free-loving woman or a mother who feeds her child with formula is no more valuable or progressive or feminist than mine as a breastfeeding, attachment parenting mother. Patriarchy works to oppress us all. My children, my breastfeeding: they do not.
Just like Valenti chafed when a woman chided her in public for bottle feeding her daughter, those of us who are attachment parents, who wear our children, who nurse for extended periods of time, would like to be afforded the same respect Valenti seems to feel she was denied. But, more importantly, according to Valenti and company, I guess we’re supposed to deny the politics and power dynamics undergirding these difference that nonetheless manifest in laws, regulations, and policies just as onerous as Valenti’s pet policies. How are these areas not related? And why do these “feminists” refuse to make the connection?
Besides being an insult to those of us whose role is chiefly parenting, I wonder if they get that their views of motherhood, that reject community, attachment, and selflessness, dovetail so nicely with right-wing, decidedly unfeminist views of society. Do they see the individualism and self-interest at the heart of their positions? And how can we as feminists call this atomization of society “progress?”
When feminists like Valenti and Marcotte demean, belittle, and talk down to parents who make different parenting choices than their own (or, who choose to be parents at all, unlike Marcotte), they don’t seem to realize the way in which they are not only feeding the rancor within feminism, but how they reinforce the anti-woman (and anti-child) policies they are supposedly agitating against. An awareness of gender alone is not feminism. A celebration of your own rights over all others is not feminism. But somehow, their views are beyond reproach or disagreement. Those of us who disagree with these high-profile feminists are, according to Marcotte, preening idiots.
But this isn’t simple disagreement. This is a silencing. And that, for sure, is not feminist.
[Editor's Note: Jessica Valenti has responded to this post in the comments section.]
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Thank you for this. I have a lot of the same feelings towards the glut of mainstream feminists and their narrow views on what motherhood should look like. But this piece is far more well-written than anything I could put together.
Thank you.
Thank you for the compliment! I seem to have found a node of mothers on twitter who regularly voice the same frustration. It’s nice to have the community.
Could you please either add alt text to the image, or replace it with a proper embedded tweet?
Screen reader users (like me) can’t read the tweets otherwise.
Thanks!
Yes. Will do right now. I apologize for the oversight.
Err… if I understand the post correctly, you’re angry at feminists who beat up on women who choose motherhood as their main occupation? If so, I agree with you, and think it’s antifeminist to try to restrict other feminists from that life. I just couldn’t get through the whole stream of consciousness style of your post though.
And I’m confused by the twitter conversation at the top. Is there some context missing? Because I didn’t read Amanda’s tweet as attacking mothers, just attacking political cheese.
The thing is, it’s not political cheese at all. For a black woman in America — albeit a highly accomplished one, in fact, especially an accomplished one — to center her motherhood in that way is actually quite radical and quite progressive. Beyond the fact that there is absolutely nothing wrong with someone giving their parenting role primacy in their lives, for centuries that has been something that has been denied to women of color, even while we’ve been forced/expected to/underpaid to/exploited as we care for white women’s children. To say that mothering is our first priority is up-end not only how we’ve long been viewed but the expectations placed upon us, that we will put everything and everyone above our own families.
To address what FLOTUS said, in this way, without recognizing its historical and cultural implications is addressing a strawman, at best.
MaryAnn, it’s difficult to understand what exactly I’ve written that you take issue with. I don’t think it’s fair to criticize my positions on parenthood when you haven’t quoted me, linked to anything I’ve written, or accurately portrayed these positions.
For example, you write that yes we need subsidized child care and maternity leave, “But you know what we also need? Laws that protect breastfeeding mothers..We need the freedom to choose VBACs instead of mandatory c-sections…We need the right to choose where we labor and deliver our children if we don’t want to do it in a hospital setting.” These are ALL issues I’ve written about in my book or online.
You certainly don’t have any obligation to read my book, but insinuating that I DON’T believe we need these protections when you haven’t bothered to research my actual positions is intellectually lazy at best, and at worst dishonest.
A full response, to avoid hijacking the thread:
http://thefeministmother.wordpress.com/2012/09/16/about-my-cross-post-in-flyover-feminism/
I also wanted to point out that continually using “childless” as an insult is a tactic straight out of Conservative Feminist-Bashing 101. I disagree with the notion that only women with children can have political opinions on mothering, but if that’s the way you feel, you may want to reconsider the terminology. Just saying.
I wasn’t using “childless” as an insult, actually, because I respect people’s choices to have or not have children. But thanks for the flag on problematic language. I’ll pay closer attention.
I don’t think that only women with children can have political opinions on mothering. However, sometimes it seems that women don’t stop to listen to the experiences and voices of those with children.
Yes! And I think about it like any other identity category- those who don’t share the experience (of being a parent, etc.) could stand to sit back and listen rather than acting like an authority. Otherwise, why would it matter if male-majority legislatures pass laws restricting women’s reproductive rights?
It is so unfortunate that, as women, we attack each other. Such bloody battles are upsetting and confusing. Freedom of speech is so important but at times it feels we work against each other. Surely everyone is concerned about the same underlying issue: discrimination relating to choice, or indeed, lack of choice – dictated by imperialism, misogyny or patriarchal values. Let’s not rage war against each other.
I don’t think this is ‘raging war on each other’ making feminism as nuanced and as inclusive as possible is a worthy goal, and this is part of that. It is not an unfounded attack, it is a respectful criticism.
I think this just another example of how white mainstream feminism doesn’t recognize the experiences of WOC. Just like Amadi says, for Black women, embracing motherhood is a radical act. IMHO though, I feel it has a lot to do with how black women are portrayed. We are mostly seen as “welfare queens” who are milking the system, or “breeders” but not actual mothers. Patriarchy creates these standards of what motherhood should be. When you don’t live up to do those narrow standards, you’re not viewed as a real mother.
I had to stop reading Marcotte years ago — well before I had kids — because of her hostility towards mothers in the feminist movement.
There are actually some surveys that show that feminist women are more likely to practice attachment parenting, yet you’d never know that from some of the mainstream feminist reactions to, say, that Time breastfeeding cover. There’s just still a huge chasm in the feminist movement between those with children and those without, and it’s unfortunate.
I don’t have children (CNBC), and I am a white feminist, and I appreciate MaryAnn, Amadi, and others on this thread for making me aware of a context I was not aware of (and am deeply saddened to learn). Thank you.
I read a book a year or so ago about how badly America treats mothers, particularly working mothers. It’s really shocking that we essentially treat “having children” in the same way that we treat “having pets” — not as an investment into our future country, but rather as a sort of luxury that women had better be prepared to clean up after!! Entitlement! Eleventy!
I find it really upsetting. Thank you for this piece.
Thank you so much for reading it and taking the time to comment.